If you were to come over to my house, you would find fresh flowers from Trader Joe’s, and decor in every shade of aqua blue. You will also see bible verses and quotes framed on every wall. There is not much blank space on my walls and I like it that way. I have lots of favorite things about my home. I really like my hutch that has been redeemed from The Salvation Army. It has been lovingly repainted in one of those many shades of aqua blue, and is constantly redecorated with each new season. I love my kitchen table that has chairs on one side, and a bench on the other, so I can put my legs up on it in the morning when I am drinking my coffee. I love my house and all my decorative items that I feel make home all the more homey. However, all those wonderful things are actually not my favorite thing about my home. My favorite thing inside my house is found upstairs in the guest bedroom.

On the right wall, there is a bookshelf that my sweet mamma picked up for me at a garage sale, knowing exactly what it would hold. That white rickety bookshelf holds 87 journals filled with prayers, some already answered, and others in waiting.  Fifteen years of God’s faithfulness bound in colorful pens, dribbled with tears and exclamation points in highlighter. Those journals are my proof that God is real, and He is good. My own personal journey of His faithfulness in my life, that I will have forever.

Betrayed By My First Best Friend

I’ve grown up knowing and loving Jesus, and though many have a similar story, I’ve always felt special. I’ve never known death at close proximity, cancer, divorce, or much heartache really. I felt like He was protecting me. It was as if He said, “She’s mine and no one can touch her.”  He was my best friend, and I would talk to Him throughout the day, pray to Him, and feel His response to me as “My child” and I adored being close with Him. I always knew He was near,  I understood the power of His spirit, I feared Him as God, and trusted Him as Jesus. I knew who He was. However this past summer, when one of my deepest fears became a reality, I felt betrayed by Him. I didn’t feel special anymore. I began to question Him. I began to question myself and my faith in Him. It’s so easy to trust someone who has never let you down, but when you feel let down by God, what do you do?

There are so many churchy answers, there are so many verses, and so many sermons that can counter those feelings with the truth of who God is. I attended church. I found people who loved me, and would walk with me through the pain. I read my Bible, knowing that was the right thing to do, and I listened to podcasts on my specific topic of pain. The hurt remained. I wanted answers. I desired His nearness in order to walk forward as I was paralyzed by fear.

Learning to Know What I Knew

I am a visual learner, so I picture myself scraping my knee, and Jesus gently taking a bandage, and wrapping my leg. I see Him pick me up, scraping the dust off, and sending me on my merry way. However this wasn’t a scrape your knee kind of pain, it was an emergency heart surgery kind of pain, and the recovery would be months. I felt like I was in the operating room forever, and He was just in the waiting room. I didn’t feel like He was with me. I wanted to tattoo on my forehead, “He heals the brokenhearted, and He saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 147:3) We know from God’s word that He is always with us, and His spirit dwells inside of us. Isn’t it funny how you can know something to be truth yet doubt it so deeply?

The days and weeks went by. I knew He was there, but only felt silence. For the first time in my life, I felt overlooked, and left to fend for my own. Little by little, I began to see His faithfulness weave its way through me, healing the brokenness in my life. The pain that was so real, the tears that I thought would never stop, began to dry. I began to see God as my healer, a way I had never truly known Him before. The maker of my heart, had allowed it to be shattered beyond belief, so that I could know, only He could put the pieces back together.

A New Definition

The dictionary defines the word faithful as

  1. Strict or thorough in the performance of one’s duty
  2. True to one’s promises or word
  3. Steady in allegiance or affection, loyal; constant
  4. Reliable, trusted or believed
  5. Adhering or true to fact, a standard or an original; accurate
  6. Obsolete, full of faith; believing

2 Timothy 2:13 says, “If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot deny Himself who He is.” I will suggest to Mr. Webster that he change the definition to:

Faithful- [feyth-fuh l]

noun.

  1. God.

“.. for He cannot deny Himself who He is.”

From the very beginning  to the very end, He has been and will be faithful. He is true to His promise to heal us, to be with us and save us. However, it may look extremely different than we thought. Our prayer may be…”God, this is how I want my life to look. If you could make sure it turns out that way- we will be good, K thanks! Bye.”

I can guarantee you that all who are reading this know that His plans are so much different than you ever imagined. I also will assume that His plans are 100 times better than you could have dreamed. That’s just who He is. He is God. He doesn’t have lame plans for us, leaving us begging Him for more- He has big things in store. But as the creator of our hearts, He knows there is a process we must walk through so we are ready for what’s ahead.

A New Understanding of the One I Knew

He knew my heart needed to know Him as Healer to understand Him on a deeper level. As a worshipper, I can now sing songs with words like “You restore every heart that’s been broken… great are you Lord.” I know the depths of my brokenness, which is how I know the great depths to which God has gone to heal me.

With what I have walked through in this past season and the way I have seen Jesus redeem what I thought was broken beyond repair, I have a fresh perspective on His loving faithfulness, His gentle corrections and His deep love for me. He knows me, He adores me, I am fully known and fully loved. I am confident that I can walk in assurance that no matter what lies ahead, He’s never failed me yet. The faithfulness of God cannot be measured. His love cannot be weighed. He is infinite, and almighty- Holy without fault. He makes no mistakes and watches over me continually. What I thought was Him overlooking me, was Him stretching me. What I thought was Him failing me, was Him loving me enough to cause me to search for Him at the core of my weaknesses, and see Him as strong. What I thought was going to end my marriage, has only made it stronger and allowed us deeper connection.

We each have our own story, the next as beautiful as the one before. I see His hand, I know His goodness. I have it written in journals that are kept in my bedroom as records of His unending faithfulness. I know He can be trusted and He is faithful. What’s your story? When did you think He had let you go, only to see down the road, His perfect faithfulness find you, and allow you to trust Him all the more? I encourage you to write down His faithfulness, write down where He has come through for you, cling to it and tell others about it. Let them know of His faithfulness too! He’s been so faithful to me, I have no choice, but to tell as many people as I can about the healing power He has brought into my life. Great are you Lord, you have healed this broken heart, and what was once lost, is now found.

Reflection Questions:

  1. When has there been a time when you felt like you were “let down” by God? What happened?
  2. Knowing that the redefined definition of faithful is God because “he cannot deny who he is,” where are places in your life where you have seen God’s faithfulness manifested?
  3. What would it look like for you to consider that “God IS Good” even in those places where it’s hard to see it?

 

2 thoughts on “Dear Mr. Webster

  1. Simply. Wow!

  2. What a deep, introspective read Kelly. You paint scenic pictures with words…. that works well for those of us who write poetry and songs… what about you?

    He is always Far more that we can fathom and He is always looking out for us to bless us in mind blowing ways and comfort us in ways other people with skin on cannot. Those are two reasons I know He does exist!

    Blessings to you… thanks for the input…

    Peace, love and good happiness stuff in Jesus…

    Kevin R. Scholl

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